During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password……. she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24."
"Stuff me," says the bingo caller. "You’ve won the raffle as well!!"
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." –Elayne Boosler
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don’t sell that cow."
Three religious leaders were discussing how they divided up the offering with regard what was spent doing God’s work and what was used for their "expenses"
…the first guy said " I take the money into the vestry where I have a line drawn…
I throw the money in the air and what lands on the right I use for God’s work and what lands on the left I use"
…the second guy says "I have a similar system but I stand in a circle what lands inside the circle I use for God’s work and outside I use"
…the third leader admits to a similar system but says he simply throws the money into the air and "what stays up I use for God’s work….."
Q. how does the blind parachutist know when he is getting close to the ground.?
A. the lead on the guide dog goes slack.
"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month’s Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month." –Dennis Miller
"I was walking through the park last night and had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding." –Emo Philips
A priest was send to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn’t have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please!"
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where’d you pick ’em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I’ll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.
"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.
"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."
"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: ‘Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’