A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to debating the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,”
said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"
Two guys are in a bar talking.
"I fought over a girl last night."
"Oh, yeah? With whom?"
"With my wife."
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."
What is the difference between Bird ‘flu and Swine ‘flu?
For bird ‘flu you need tweetment and for swine ‘flu you need oinkment.
Some Harry Potter riddles
Q: What do you call a boy wizard with a really bad case of the runs?
A: Harry Plopper.
Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is really good at absorbing ink?
A: Harry Blotter.
Q: What is the name of the author who has made billions and billions and billions of dollars out of Harry Potter?
A: J.K. Rowling-In-It.
Q: What do you call a film about a boy wizard who is deeply unhappy with the level of service he has received from a one-hour photo lab?
A: Harry Potter and the Half-Dark Prints.
Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is planning the overthrow of the government?
A: Harry Plotter.
Harry Potter who?
(pause) What, are you kidding?
Q: Why is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the cleanest campus in the world?
A: Everybody has a broom.
"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better." –Margot Black
So what have we learned in 2,063 years?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." – Cicero – 55 BC
Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"
Harry says, "Yeah, all the time–her own and mine."
I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.
It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.
"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator.
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."
Thanks very much for the ongoing humour. I take them to read to my 82 year old mother in the nursing home to cheer her up. She has been a source of a few stories in the past and I have now one more to add.
My mother was having a dream and was yelling out loud "
mother where are you" The women in the next bed to her in the nursing home answered in her sleep " I am here"
The nurse came in hearing voices and asked what’s the matter? Where’s my mother she asked, I just heard her call out to me?
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don’t rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!"