Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.
"Do you have six cents?" she asked.
"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."
"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."
True story
I rang my plumber for a gas leak and he promptly came.
After working on my gas oven for a few minutes he asked me for an old cloth. Having just moved into the house a few months ago i replied "we don’t have anything old in this house""…he looked up and said what happened to you?
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended.
One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "what’s his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London!"
It’s really humid in the woods, so the two hiking buddies remove their shirts and shoes. But when they spot a sign saying "Beware of bears," one of them stops to put his shoes back on. "What’s the point?" the other says. "You can’t outrun a bear." "Actually," says his friend, "all I have to do is outrun you."
A farmer had to count his sheep for taxation purposes, so he got his border collie to do it. The dog came back and announced that there were 400.
The farmer thought that maybe he shouldn’t take a dog’s word for it, and very carefully counted them himself. There were 397.
He scolded the dog "I gave you a very important task and you said there were 400 sheep. I’ve counted them, and there are only 397"
"I know" said the border collie "I rounded them up"
Truely groan-worthy
"This weekend several people were seriously injured during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Turns out unleashing angry bulls onto a crowded city street is dangerous."
-Jimmy Fallon
Last night on the telly a gentleman comedian of Irish descent said:
If an Irishman throws a pin at you, run like hell away from him. He is holding the grenade.
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
–Jay Leno
"It all began with Adam. He was the first man to tell a joke–or a lie. How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant." —Mark Twain, 1867
There is a knock on St. Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there’s another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. "They’re trying to resuscitate me."
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached."
The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
After- ward, the man says, "You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?"
"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.
"That makes sense," says the woman. "You’re an anaesthesiologist, aren’t you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.
The woman replies, "Because I didn’t feel a thing."
A few bad jokes
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I’m dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I’m tense.
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."