It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee please back up to the men’s tee!!”
Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement:
“Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”
Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled:
“Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE!”
Finally our focused golfer stopped. He turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, “Would the person in the club- house kindly shut up and let me play my second stroke?”
“I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’ ‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'” –Rita Rudner
It must be difficult to keep coming up with jokes that nobody has heard before. I have an original quip. My fourteen year daughter asked me 34 years ago, if I had heard about the Irish dictionary…..”It has an index.” Maybe not hilarious, but, at the time, original.
I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh, no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of Sex?”
“No,” I said.
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you even care?”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town one hot dusty day. After tying up the horses the Lone Ranger told Tonto to run around Silver, flapping his poncho to keep Silver cool while he went into the saloon for a drink.
A little while later a cowboy came in to the bar. “That your horse out there?” he enquired of the Lone Ranger. On being told it was, he continued, “Thought I’d better tell you – you left your injun runnin’ “.
A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Aussie farmer and they started talking. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
They walked around the ranch a little and the Aussie showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately said, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation had almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, “And what are those?”
The Aussie asked with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
love it…love it…
A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying…. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”
When I was a kid I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone just laughed at me!
After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. “Why,” she cried out in exasperation, “do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!”
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!”
How to Turn Down Unwanted Men
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.
HE: Hi. Didn’t we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.