"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it." –Sam Ewing
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S’cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin’, said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Thoughts on marriage…
- Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
- The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
- The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
A woman married for the fourth time at eighty, to an Undertaker Local Radio asked for an interview, to which she agreed "Who was your first husband?" the interviewer asked "He was a Banker", she replied "What about your second husband?" the question came "That’s easy, he was a Circus Performer"
"Did you travel around?" "Oh yes, for 15 years", she said "And your third husband?" "He was a Minister of God" she replied
"And now you are married to an Undertaker, why such diversity?" "Well, I married One for the money, Two for the Show, Three to get ready, and Four to go !"
This happened to me on the weekend, and I thought the other vertically challenged out there might appreciate it.
My family was discussing how I am shorter than some other women (5 foot 3), and my 7 year old daughter added: "Don’t worry Mum, there are some people in the world shorter than you….. like me…… and dwarfs."
Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small- town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.
With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my
discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe’ with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’
and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’
says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That’ll be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’ ‘Well, love’
says the truckie, ‘a few years ago; I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’ ‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man. The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the emu?’
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,’Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’
Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.
It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you.’
The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
A little bit of humour emerged from the recent bushfires in Victoria.
A fish farmer at Boolara reported to authorities that he had lost 650 gold fish during the fires. How? Elvis, the skycrane helicopter had dropped into one of the fish farms ponds for water and sucked them up. The load was dumped to douse the flames near a house. The smoked fish didnt last long as the local wood ducks flew in to clean them up. The story is true and was verified with the fish farm owner by the local abc reporter Mark Debono – Sale.
I’d had enough of my employees’ abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
- I went to the doctor ’cause I swallowed a harmonica…. he said "lucky you don’t play the piano"
- My wife went to the doctor and told him she thought she was invisible…. he said "I can’t see you ’til next week"
- I went to the doctor and told him I thought I was shrinking…. he said "can’t you just be a little patient"
- I told the doctor my wife thinks she’s Daisy Duck…. he said "she’s suffering from Disney Spells"