A Catholic guy goes into this confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, it’s been a long time since I’ve been to confession. I didn’t know that they were so much more inviting these days." The priest
replies:- "Get out. You’re on my side."
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really,"
Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot." — Russ Tompkins
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn?
It gave birth to mittens!
"Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect; it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections."–Unknown
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read . ‘and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’
The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …’I think the Man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!’
The teacher had to leave the room .
An oldie but a goodie
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand’!!
Mary: There are two men sitting alone at the bar over there.
Mary: Well, we’re two women alone sitting over here at a table. What do you think that adds up to?
Jill: Four losers?
The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
It’s generally not a good idea meeting guys in a bar. It’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry; you bring home stuff you don’t need.
Noted the following quote by Dame Edna Everage yesterday and wanted to share it with you: "I think if you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing the joke of the century, couldn’t you?" Dame Edna Everage.
Another oldie but goodie
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. ‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, ‘but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . .
of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men."
The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two test icles?"
My husband seems to feel one should get their money’s worth on vacation. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day – and you sit there reading a book!"
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn’t know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"
"You should never ask an adult’s age," I broke in.
"That’s okay," Harriett said smiling. "I’m fifty."
"Wow, you don’t look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do." — Katherine Norgard