The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A Friday Funnies exclusive… President Obama’s first email to the American people: “All whites please report to the cotton fields for orientation.”

It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

“If it was put there without my knowledge,” I asked, “how would I know?”

The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. “That’s why we ask.” — Kate Vetter

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you do it, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize . . .

You’re listening to your iPod

A man once spent days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”

The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!”

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” –Milton Berle

Reading the joke from the 4 year old in these funnies reminded me of something my 4 year old said when he was 2

He was in the bath and going through the stage of being fascinated with his male appendage (I think they grow out off that stage don’t they) he grabbed hold of his doodle and said

“look mummy, I have a tail”

A couple just got married and on the night of their honey- moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.”

The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s that possible? You’ve been married three times before.”

The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

“Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

Jill: What happened to you and that last boyfriend?

Mary: Well, you know how men are supposed to be hunters, and women are supposed to be gatherers?

Jill: Yeah, I know about that.

Mary: Well, he couldn’t hunt enough money to keep up with my gathering.

Husband says: When I get mad at you, You Never fight back.

How do you control your anger? Wife says: I clean the toilet… Husband says: How does that help? Wife says: I use your Toothbrush…..

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 2)… from Anthony

  1. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’
  2. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. ‘Stop acting like your father!’
  3. My mother taught me about ENVY . ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
  4. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. ‘Just wait until we get home.’
  5. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . ‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
  6. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.’
  7. My mother taught me ESP. ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
  8. My mother taught me HUMOUR. ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
  9. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
  10. My mother taught me GENETICS. ‘You’re just like your father.’
  11. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. ‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
  12. My mother taught me WISDOM. ‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
  13. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE ‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!