A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
"Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." –Darius Denning
"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date." –Caroline Rhea
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree … On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.
The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.
Santa, in his angry state, ignored it.
There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa–filled with rage–threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing
2008 Olympic Games.
He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the president’s ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
Retiree’s Thought… My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday!" I said, "I didn’t get finished!!!"
A true story
A little girl in my class, who is from a large family, was telling her news. She told us that after her father found out her mother was going to have another baby he took two days off work. A boy put up his hand and asked why. It was so hard not to laugh when she replied, "Mummy said he was in shock."
CHRISTMAS PARTY
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2008
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 22nd October 2008
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
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FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2008
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: 25th October 2008
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
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FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2008
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John Benson.