The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."

I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted.

I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don’t forget to empty the trash.

Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear." — Cynthia Kainu

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb husband is out fishing in that rubbish?"

I still don’t know if she was joking.

Follow up to last week’s dog vs wife debate…

How do you know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock both of them in the boot of your car. Leave them for an hour. Open the boot and find out which one is happy to see you.

Christmas carol for 2008!!!

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash
I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It’s hitting you once,
It’s hitting you twice
It doesn’t care if you’ve been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It’s worthless if you’ve got shares
It’s worthless if you’ve got bonds
It’s safe when you’ve got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better keep cash I’m telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

"Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.’" -Conan O’Brien

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

  • Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
  • Bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet
  • Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
  • Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
  • Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
  • Mateshit: all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor
  • Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of s e xual activity
  • Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
  • Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
  • Crackie-daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi’s amongst us:

  • Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you’ve got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, it’s no use, it’s yesterday’s!"

One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and wound down its window. "I’ll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy. “How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked. “I said no way"
replied the boy

“What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver “No, I’m not getting in the car." answered the boy “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered “No!" replied the boy. “What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the f’ing Volvo, you live with it!"

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

Contemporary Latin Phrases:

  • "Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.)
  • "Sharpei diem." (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
  • "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.)
  • "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
  • "Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
  • "Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!)
  • "Sic semper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.)
  • "No Quid Pro Quo." (I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.)
  • "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)