A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his on. "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, …bless his heart, answered: "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But, …when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?"
Well, I guess I just panicked!"
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
"May I take your order, Sir?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, Sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die."
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen. The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’ A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. Why?’ he asks.
‘What’s the matter?’ ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’ ‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’ ‘It was horrible,’
he replies. ‘All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number."
The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!" (Click.)
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one:
Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."
–Voltaire
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.
"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"
The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
Question for Geography students: What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: About three pounds fifty…
I had a cheque returned earlier, marked "insufficient funds." Mine or the banks?
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They’ve called in the retrievers.
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways — unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.
The young wife hasn’t spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding… She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your
assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counseling will be available.)
"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition. Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 150 foot long dead dinosaur.
The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"
"Yep!" replied the pigmy.
"But, it’s so big and you’re so small!"
"Yep!", replied the pigmy.
"How the hell did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.
"With my club," replied the pigmy.
"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
The pigmy replied, "Well, there’re about 50 of us!"