A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked. ‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
She replied…….’Your horse just phoned ‘
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ‘
Lord, they’re finally together.’ One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘ Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? ‘
The friend replied, ‘ I think he means her legs.’
"The good thing about having a death wish is that you’re much more likely to get that wish than, say, the one about a lingerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by your apartment with beer and pizza." –Maurizio Mariotti
"I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market." -Craig Ferguson
Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn’t help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read BAA BAA. I was clueless as to why they chose this — until I looked at the vehicle the plate was attached to: a black Jeep.
On the credit crunch
- How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
- What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
- What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean? – A good start.
- The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’sbeen repossessed.
- The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: ‘insufficient funds.’ Is it them or me?
- A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’ ‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’
- Everyone Says Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows onlyone word: ‘Goodbye.’
- What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.
- A director decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10.
"Wild horses couldn’t drag a secret out of a woman.
However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses." –Ivern Boyett
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."
News of John Darwin, the canoeist who faked his own death.
Apparently, he’s disappeared from prison! He was last seen in the gym….on the rowing machine.
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don’t worry," she said, "I’ll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
President Bush is the first U.S. President to spend the night in Buckingham Palace, at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the President around, Prince Charles asked Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush replied, "Whoa, there, fella. I’m from Texas; don’t try any of that funny stuff with me."
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop or a take away.
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’
He said, ‘I found the remote’.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"
25 percent of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90 percent will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.