The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I’m going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.
An oldie but a goodie
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
A follow up from last week’s idea about returning junk mail from Kevin
An even better use of "reply paid" envelopes from the junk mail people – wrap up two house bricks and paste the reply paid envelope to the package – you will not get any more junk mail from that company !!!!!
I know it works from experience.
I was minding my 7 year old grandson at his house for a week. I asked him if emptying the dishwasher was part of his jobs for pocket money.
He looked up at me in horror and said "No way, they only gave me an extra 50c for doing the dishwasher, so I quit. I did start again when they offered me a $1 but it still wasn’t enough so I quit again and don’t do it now."…………. A Union Delegate in the making perhaps?
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary!!
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Another oldie but goodie
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping …….
Try these on your young children…
Q: What did the farmer say when he saw his cows coming over the hill?
A: "Here come my cows coming over the hill."
Q: What did the farmer say when he saw the cows coming over the hill wearing sun glasses?
A: He didn’t say a thing. He didn’t recognize them.
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied. ‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?
‘Darned if I know,’ he said, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.’
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?" I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what’s in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It’s wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I’m very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."