A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and
– poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!… the husband became 92 years old.
I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.
It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.
"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator.
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’" –Kathleen Madigan
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Brisbane.
His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
"How come?" his nephew asked.
"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn’t know planes had parents."
It’s fun to cook for Steve. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Steve wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Steve brought a friend home for dinner.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Steve did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Steve keeps counting to ten.
Steve’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius..
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Steve. If I can talk Steve into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather.
In other words – partly Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked. ‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
She replied…….’Your horse just phoned ‘
The Age Odd Spot – Friday 12th Sept
The Democratic Republic of Congo’s deputy justice minister has ordered a Kinhasa jail to release a dozen goats that were due to appear in court on charges of being sold illegally. The minister said police had serious gaps in their knowledge and would be sent for retraining.
Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What’s this?" she asked.
"It’s a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It’s for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we’ll use it next Christmas Eve."
From Audrene Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car. Paddy ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken’
Operator ‘What is your location sir?’ Paddy ‘Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street’
Operator ‘How do you spell that sir?’ Silence.
After a minute:- Operator ‘Are you there sir?’ Silence.
A minute later:- Operator ‘Sir, can you hear me!!?’
This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?’
Paddy ‘Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street’.
True story: What works exceedingly well for junkmail: When you get junkmail with a "postage paid" return envelope, take all the other junkmail, stuff it into the envelope, as much as you can fit in, and mail the envelope!