Q. What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A. A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.
One American to another: "I had trouble with a cheque I wrote last week"
Second American: "Did it bounce?"
First American: "No, the bank did"
Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, One load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s e x.
The night went very well.
The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner, Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.
‘But what about afterwards?’ asked her friends.
Oh, that … Ralph was too tired.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. ‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded…’I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘From hunger, you mean?’ ‘No, from blooudy skippin’, the Irishman said.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would resultin Linoleum Blownapart (and his probable retreat).
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A hole has been found in the nu dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree.
Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don’t do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said.
When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."
How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That’s your father."
"Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
- No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
- When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
- Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
- Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
- Wrinkles don’t hurt.
- Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
- Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
- Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
"Canada could have had French culture, American know-how, and English government. Instead it got French government, English know-how, and American culture." –John Colombo
"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it." – Dave Letterman
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
A Catholic priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"