Bank failures in Japan from Dawn
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there’s a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." –Jay Leno
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O’Brien
Eight-year old little JOHNNY asked his mother the age-old
question: "How did I get here?"
His mother told him, "God sent you." "And my cousin Matt ?"
"He sent him also" said the mother .
"Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny.
"Yes, dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked.
"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
" So you’re telling me that there has been NO s e x in this family for 100 years? No wonder everyone’s so grumpy around here."
True story
I found some small potatoes that were old and already sprouting at the back of my cupboard. Instead of throwing them out, I decided to use them as seed potatoes, plant them in an old half-barrel out the back and try to grow some more.
Today my husband had a flexi-day and greeted me with a big grin when I arrived home from work. Excitedly he took me to the kitchen to show me something fantastic he had found. In a bowl were all the old potatoes, beautifully washed!
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk tech- nician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Q. What is the Indian word for "lousy hunter?"
A. Vegetarian.
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn’t selected for the jury.
Three disabled men, a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair, are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one shows.
They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair;. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and en- courages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!
Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold … NEW TIRES!
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where’d you pick ’em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I’ll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.’I’m sorry,’
St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’
‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’ ‘Just three questions’ said St Peter. ‘Which are?’ asked the blonde. ‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’ ‘?
The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’
‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’
The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’
The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’ ‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’ ‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’ The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’
‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’
‘It’s Andy.’
‘Andy??’
‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’
‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.’
And the blonde entered Heaven…