A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it’s not my table."
"A new sleep study suggested that insomnia is linked to early death. Well that should help you doze off. If you weren’t sleeping before, this should knock you right out."
-Jay Leno
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of your driver. "
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:
"No, the other end."
- My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
- I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.
- Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called a wedding cake.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That’s disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That’ll be me then," said Paddy.
A brilliant research scientist was finally able to overcome the obstacles to cloning a human being. With his new, secret technique he wanted an ideal subject to clone. He thought for a while, and considering that he was a genius he decided to clone himself.
But the experiment didn’t turn out very well. The clone was terribly ugly, and used the most vulgar language the doctor had ever heard. So he took it to a cliff and pushed it off.
The police, however, got wind of what he was going to do and actually saw him get rid of the clone. "You’re under arrest," shouted the officer.
"You can’t arrest me," replied the doctor. "I didn’t kill anyone. That was only a creation."
"That may be so," answered the police, "but we have to arrest you for making an obscene clone fall."
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up right in her neighborhood. "How convenient," she said. "I can walk to it!"
A band director was standing outside on a metal ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm broke out.
Amazingly, he wasn’t hit by lightning, but the music was awful – it seems he just wasn’t a very good conductor.
Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he’d let us try out some of his first batch of hooch."
The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing’s brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey. "Here, try this and tell me if you think it’s aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.
Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced, "Crosbie’s still’s mash is young."
Q: Why are handcuffs like cheap souvenirs?
A: They’re both two wrist traps.
Q: What’s the best way to make pants last?
A: Make the jacket first.
Q: What best-selling author was a carpenter from Utah?
A: Morman Nailer.
Q: Why isn’t your ear 12 inches long?
A: If it were, it would be a foot.
Q: What did the British driver say to the one-legged hitch- hiker with no arms and three eyes?
A: "Aye-aye-aye, you look ‘armless. Hop in."
Q: Why did the Blonde climb up on the roof?
A: Because she heard that the drinks were on the house.