The Fabulous Monday Funnies

A woman confided to her girlfriend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”

The friend said, “How flattering.”

The woman replied, “Not really. I think he’s after the money I married him for.”

“Nice threads, man,” commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. “Where’d you pick ’em up?”

Richard beamed. “My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?”

“I’ll say. What was the occasion?”

“Got me,” admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. “I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.”

A man is playing piano one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly the elephant starts to cry.

“There, there”, says the pianist “Do you recognise the song?”

“No, no,” says the elephant, “but I do recognise the white keys.”

I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying for a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I was rehabbing and occupying in this small town.

When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she replied, “Well, they paid good wages, but I’m tellin’ ya, it was the most ridiculous and sinful place I’ve ever worked.

My last night they were playing some kind of game called Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from the social pages of our town newspaper.

I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard a man say, “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.”

Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.” “Then another man says to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick!”

“Well, I pretty near damn near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then, when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, “You jumped me twice when you said you didn’t have the strength for one more raise.”

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And I couldn’t believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet another lady call out, “Now it’s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.”

“Well, with them shenanigans goin’ on, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn’t say, “Well, I guess we’ll all go home now cuz this is the last rubber.”

Q: What goes cloak, cloak?
A: A Chinese toad.

“If parents would only realize how they bore their children.” —George Bernard Shaw

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

“For example, he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”

“Why is that?” Asked the professor.

“For one thing,” the student said, “She’d be way too old.”

Little Johnny’s mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. “I’d like a little brother,” he replied.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”

“Well,” replied little Johnny, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

It was fun being a baby boomer – until now!

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.They include:

  • Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
  • The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
  • Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
  • Roberta Flack –The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
  • Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now
  • Paul Simon — Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
  • The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
  • Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping
  • Abba — Denture Queen
  • Helen Reddy — I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Torch/Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the chickens.”

In relation to one of last week’s jokes
For a bit of balance;

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

Q: How do you keep your wife from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “Car parts”