“I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend in Christmas cards this year are ‘DVD cards’ – instead of a letter about your family and what you did this year, you put your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting, you know why? They make great coasters.” –Jay Leno
A new twist to an old joke
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my new wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”
Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe.
The chief instructed each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred pelts, but, sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying:
WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.
“I had to slap his face three times!”
“You mean he got fresh?”
“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”
I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.
I asked, “What’s the deal, no decorations?”
Puzzled, he looked at me and said, “What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”
“The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you’re interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you.” –Amy Poehler
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars, after accumulating Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and start talking about sex.
“Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.” The couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until it is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was absolutely wonderful! How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
“My wife thinks I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.” —Drake Sather
Q. What does Dracula take when he’s sick?
A. Coffin Medicine.
A PC Christmas Greeting
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that South Africa is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.”
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
Subject: A Blonde’s Year in Review….
- January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
- February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….. Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
- March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…. box said “2-4 years!”
- April – Trapped on escalator for hours…..power went out!!!
- May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
- June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
- July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
- August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..car swamped because soft-top was open.
- September – The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
- October – Hate M &M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
- November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
- December – Couldn’t call 911…..”duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!