On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said, “Very sporting of your mother.”
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.
“Don’t they know they’re supposed to let us play through?” asked the first man. The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough.”
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.” The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.”
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, “Small world!”
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” —George Burns
Well, it’s not a midlife crisis, but here’s how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed…
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
Oh yeah?”said Charlie “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED”
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
Apparently true 911 calls…
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
And the winner is……….
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
THINGS THE MOVIES TAUGHT YOU… part 1
- Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut you will always choose the right one
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish
- Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread
It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in.
“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says.
Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says “Wha…aaat?”
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!”
Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dam mit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.
When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense contractor.”
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself.
Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
“This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. ..Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking to ‘get off your lazy ass.'” — Conan O’Brien
One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me, “Well, did he?”
“Did he what?”
“Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?” she asked.