The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey."

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume’, which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."

"Today at the White House, President Bush signed a procla- mation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment during the ceremony when Bush said, ‘This is a great day for all Malarians.’" -Conan O’Brien

"China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys from China will be made with recycled lead." -Jay Leno

Regardless of one’s age, you simply should always plan ahead. The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. "He’s a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s,… then a circ us ringmaster when in her 40’s,… later on a preacher when in her 60’s,… and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Paddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins…. a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ‘ Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he’s a fecking clueless idiot…

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,’ Well, what’s my daughter’s name?’

‘Denise’ says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, ‘Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother’, she thought….’I really like Denise ‘

Then she asks, ‘ What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies ‘ Denephew ‘

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat was being treated.

"Is he a relative of your’s?" the nurse asked the pacing golfer.

"No…It’s my ball."

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am stupid. I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It’s been a year!There was only silence at the other end of the line so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. Guess I won that argument.

PUT ABOUT 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send two or three candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after six hours and then analyse the situation.

  • If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts department.
  • If they are recounting them. Put them in Auditing
  • If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in Engineering
  • If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in Planning,
  • If they are throwing the bricks at each ether. Put them in Operations
  • If they are sleeping, put them in Security
  • If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information Technology
  • If they are sitting idle, put them In Human Resources.
  • If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales
  • If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing
  • If they are staring out the window, put them in Strategic Planning
  • If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them into Management