My husband seems to feel one should get their money’s worth on vacation. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day – and you sit there reading a book!"
The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Two Indians injected themselves with curry powder by mistake. They are both in intensive care, One has a dodgy Tikka, and the other is still in a Korma.
Robert Mugabe was asked when he’s going to bid the Zimbabwean people farewell.
Looking puzzled, he answered. ”Where are they going?”
Sean and Paddy are walking past the timber yard. There is a sign on the fence that reads "TREE WORKERS WANTED".
Sean turns to Paddy and says, "Sure ‘n it’s a pity Michael isn’t here….we could have applied!"
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate im- mediately.
One of these phones had a sign that said, "Out of Order."
Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
Did you hear that Charlton Heston’s funeral is likely to be bigger than Ben Hur?
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining customers, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy!" whispered the girl lying beside her… "This is a stick-up not an office party."
"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arrising from contem- plating the misery of another." –Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
I was just thinking – if Peter Jackson made yet another Lord of The Rings movie, would it be because he needed the money, or just farce of hobbit?
A Scotsman and his wife were on honeymoon in Canada , they decided to visit an Indian reservation. In the middle of the reservation there was a tepee with a sign advertising a memory man. The sign read "The amazing memory man knows everything and forgets nothing ". The Scotsman decides to try this out and steps inside. He greets the young Brave "How ".
The brave points to a jar full of $20 bills and says "If you ask me a question I can’t answer you get the jar. If I answer it you put $20 in the jar ". The Scotsman figures he can beat him and asks "Who won the Scottish FA cup in 1878? " The Indian thinks for a minute and says "Vale of Leven beat Third Lanark 1-0 ". The Scotsman is truly amazed at this correct answer and pops his 20 bucks in the jar.
The couple return to Scotland and live a full and happy life for 50 years. For their golden wedding celebrations they decide to retrace their tour of Canada . After visiting their relatives they once again end up at the reservation. They are amazed to see that the tepee of the memory man is still there. "Wonder if he will remember me? " says the Scotsman.
So he goes into the tepee and says "How ".
The Indian replies "Penalty in the 52nd minute "
My Father always said…"Money can’t buy you friends……but, you get a much better class of enemy!!"
As opposed to my Grandfather who always said….." You can’t buy love….but, with enough money….you can rent it for as long as you need it..!!"
You may enjoy this true story:
Two friends of ours were returning to Invercargill from their holiday house on the shore of Paterson Inlet, Stewart Island. This involved a trip down the Inlet in their rigid inflatable boat (RIB) before catching the ferry across Foveaux Strait. Paterson Inlet can get quite choppy and on this occasion it was.
On board the RIB were Pete and Liz (names have been changed) and their dog. The dinghy lurched and caught both Liz and the dog off guard. Both tumbled over the side (one port, one starboard).
So – the moral dilemma – who should Pete pick up first? Which was his first priority, his wife or the dog? Who is man’s best friend – his wife, or his dog?
Pete picked up the dog first. Liz had a life jacket, the dog didn’t. It took a little while for Liz to see it that way, though….
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.
An inflatable boy goes to his inflatable school with a pin. Later that day in the office the headmaster says to him. “I am very disappointed with you, you’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down but most of all you’ve let yourself down”
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that’s so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don’t forget the curlers."
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don’t you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it."