A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add “es.”
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.” They were seated immediately.
“According to the insurance companies, you know what the most stolen vehicle is? The Cadillac Escalade.
The least stolen car. The popemobile.” –Jay Leno
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really?
Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
“Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages” –Dave Barry
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!,” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said “On your way, Ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his “You-Know- What” in his hand.
“Oh, good grief,” yelled Ethel, “Not that Dam Breathalyzer Test again.!!!”
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon, the first thing the new bride did was call her mother. “Well,” said her mother. “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, mum,” she replied. “The honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic.” Then she suddenly began to cry. “But mum, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language, things I’d never heard. I mean all these awful four letter words!
You’ve got to take me home” “Sarah, Sarah” her mother said. “Calm down. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words?” “Please, don’t make me tell you mum,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful. Come and get me, please.”
“Darling! Baby! You must tell your mum what has you so upset. Tell me these horrible four letter words.” Sobbing, the bride said: “Oh mum … he used words like dust, wash, iron and cook.”
“I’ll pick you up in 20 minutes,” said her mum.
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
- What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. – Henny Youngman
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
- Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan
- We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers
- Mechanic: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder.”
Did you know that the only way to tell the sex of a chromosome is to take down its genes?
I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: men doing laundry.
At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. But the evidence is overwhelming. MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships.
Wife: “Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?”
Husband: “Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top.”
Wife: “You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don’t know what separation means, but trust me, you’re about to find out!”
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time,” said the Navy guy.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it”. For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50”. The next day someone stole it.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.”
The agent says, “Yes, ma’am,” the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?”
The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.”