The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 39

Energise with achievements.

As the year draws to a close, make time to reflect on all you’ve achieved this year personally and as a family. Make a list to share, discuss and celebrate.

On a queue in a bookshop yesterday, Patricia decided to have a bit of a grumble with the women next to her. It was about men not understanding the work involved in Christmas. All the women agreed and one of them said “The trouble with Christmas is that it only comes once a year, so you don’t have time to train them up.”

Arthur is 90 years old.

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it”, he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad… once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try”.

“That’s no good” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help”.

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect”.

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law.”Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!”

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I can’t remember”.

“Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend.” —Walter Savage Landor

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”

The foreman replied, “Insanity.”

The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, “What are you doing with those?”

He looked her in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Student: “A teacher.”

Thought you might appreciate this little woopsie from an email report-back on a recent volcanic conference held in Japan:

  1. Disaster preparedness, well in advance of an emergency situation, was cited as a key point. This is an important addition to creating thrusting relationships among scientists, officials, residents and mass media.

The latest investment news indicates that we’re in for a bumpy ride, now that problems in the sub-prime lending market in America have now spread uncertainty into the Japanese economy.

The trend over the last month adds weight to rumors that the Origami Bank is likely to fold, the Sumo Bank could go belly up, while Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

The Karaoke Bank is ripe for a takeover, with analysts predicting that it will go for a song, while overnight reports reveal that trading in Kamikaze Bank has been suspended after shares nose-dived.

Five hundred senior Karate Bank executives have got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, with shareholders likely to get a raw deal.

But in all this concern it’s worth knowing that people who say they don’t care about money will usually be careless with the truth about other things as well.

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back.”

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”

“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” — Sir Francis Bacon

The tale about the old couple where the lady left her glasses behind at a restaurant reminded me of Denise & I when we go for a drive. On the odd occasion she has left her glasses at home but we must go back and get them as “she needs to wear them for me to drive properly”.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,”You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s pa n ties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize??

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

Elderly Husband: Whatever happened to our sexual relations?
Elderly Wife: I don’t know. I don’t think we got a card from them this year.

“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” —Ira Gassen

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked.’

Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs’ I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’ I was thinking quickly. ‘All mums know this stuff. It’s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mummy.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘OH… I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.’ ‘Exactly,’ I replied back with a big smile on my face.