I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.
I named him Mohammed.
This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.
My question is, “Have I made a prophet?”
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 100 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denominations?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 28 Catholic, 22 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 22 Baptists and 18 Atheists.”
Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.
“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”
The counselor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line.”
Vegetarian – Indian word for bad hunter
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. ‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered. ‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer.”
After his exam the doctor said to David, ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’
‘In fact, I do,’ said David’ After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.’
After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, ‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having s e x with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?’
‘Oh that crazy old codger ,’ she replied. ‘That’s because the first time is usually in December and the second time is in July.
“I don’t mind coming to work,
But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.”
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. She replied, “You mean imagine that it’s good?”
“I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'” –Kathleen Madigan
A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instruct- ions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. “Any time,” the doctor replied. “Why do you ask?”
“It says here in your instructions, ‘no relations until after your post-op checkup.’
Wife to Norm: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Norm to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to Norm: “What? At 2 am?!”
Norm to wife: “Yes. We used night clubs.”
Q. What’s the main difference between a woman and a dog?
A. The later you are, the more excited the dog is to see you
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids”.
A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, “Good God give me some food!”
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.
Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers wonâ€™t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”