Stress Buster No. 37
Reduce stress at Christmas by reducing your expectations. This can apply to the behaviour of family members, gifts you give and receive, food preparation and expressions of gratitude.
A Christmas Story from James
The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son.
The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he
came running outside and shouted: ‘I have seen him, the son of our lord!’
The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: ‘I have seen the babe, our savior is born!’
The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: ‘BOOOM’, he hit his head on a rafter and shouted ‘JESUS CHRIST!’.
Mary looked up and said, ‘Hey, … that sounds a lot better than Claude.’
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceededto tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her, “If
you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it
under my arms.”
The pharmacist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”
Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, â€œCan you smell gas?â€
â€œGas? No, I canâ€™t even smell my name!â€
“Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.” – Unknown.
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again..?” I’m cured?”
English Is A Crazy Language
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that…. quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Humans?
If critically injured means badly injured, does critically acclaimed mean badly acclaimed?
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.
Q. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows!”
“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.
“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.
“I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”
Senior Moments 80 year old woman says to her hubby “Oh Gawd I’m convinced I’m losing my mind” He replies “Im not surprised you’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for over 20 years.
Mid-life is when you go to the Dr and you realise you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you’re getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before
Laugh a little every day, it’s better than chicken soup. At least that’s what the chickens say