Stress Buster No. 36
“The highest drug in the world is givingâ€. Patch Adams.
When we do a good deed we feel good, today find a way of
doing something special for someone else. For example…
Praise people, smile at a stranger, make a coffee for
someone busier than you, thank people or let someone into
the traffic.
An oldie, but I love it.
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the
employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety
complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a
co-worker in the hospital.
“How are things at the office going, Claudia?” she asked.
“Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the
coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is
making it with the boss.”
Joke of the Year – 2007
Two women were sitting together, quietly.
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational
toy.
“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked
the salesclerk.
“It’s designed to ease the tot into living in today’s
world, madam,” the shop assistant replied. “Any way he
tries to put it together is wrong.”
Q. Why is Cinderella such a poor tennis player?
A. She had a pumpkin for a coach.
An Aussie Love Story
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bikkies wafting up
the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac biscuits.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards
the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His
aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a spatula.
“No!!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”
“I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned
stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast
fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing
anything to society, my reaction is: ‘How can I get in on
that?'” –Dave Barry
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of
the men walked in the office and said, “We need some
four-by-twos.”
The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go
check.” After a while, the customer returned to the office
and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Oh! And a first-grader joke for you:
Q. “What’s white and smells like blue paint?”
A. White paint!
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian.” –Dennis Wholey
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.
Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he
ordered a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
I guy walks into his Doctors office and he has one ear full
of jelly and the other full of cake.
The Doctor says, “What can I do for you today Mr Jones?”
The man says, “What.”
So the Doctor repests himself, “What can I do for you today
Mr Jones?
Mr Jones, lookling slightly befuddled says, “You will have
to speak up a bit Doctor, I am a trifle deaf.”
Q. “Why did everyone run out of Wendys?”
A. “Because someboyd dropped a Whopper”
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.
“There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and
ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it,
he said, ‘It was all right but I liked the book better.'”
—Johnny Carson
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the
ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it
crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw
his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch
shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower,
went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the
street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch
the watch.” How did you do that?” asked one of his friends.
“My watch is 20 minutes slow.”
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a
six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where first
pig was trying to gather the building materials for his
home. She read … ‘and so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?’
The teacher paused then asked the class ‘And what do you think the man said?’
One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly …’I think the man would have said –
‘Well, me!! A talking pig!’
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Things people hate
- Waiting to go straight ahead at a red light behind someone
who doesn’t indicate they’re turning right until the light
goes green - How about being told that you’re repeating yourself?
- I hate is getting hurt by an inanimate object because you
can’t hurt it back! - Having to travel 2 or 3 kilometres out of my way just to do
a u turn or turn right. - People who just walk in on a conversation, interupt it and start talking about other
things. - Anyone who absolutely must have the last word no
matter what. - People who have an art of turning things
around and reversing things to put blame on the other
party. - People entering my workspace and immediately starting into
what they want done – regardless of what I might be doing
at the time - Sports speak BS (Still):inevitably during an interview
Aus/NZ sports folk will say “Yeah-na” What does that mean? - At the movies – TEXTERS. I will give them one or two – who
knows what emergency it might be? After that I say in
normal conversational tone loud in a theatre (quite) “Please, if you are here for the movie turn off your phone.
If you want to text go outside so we can enjoy what we paid
for”.