Stress Buster No. 33.
Improve your laugh life.
Add fun to the relationship by,
- meeting for lunch in an unusual place,
- leaving love notes around the house,
- going to comedy shows together,
- arranging a surprise party and
- sending funny emails to each other.
“According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 – Social Security broke. Once again, I don’t think President Bush understands this issue. He said, ‘2052, that’s okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.'” -Jay Leno
A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages.
“An whut animal would that be?” he asked the keeper.
“That’s a moose from Canada,” came the reply.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “Hoots man – they must ha’ rrrats like elephants ower there!”
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Irishman he says, “You’re in charge of shovelling.” And to the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
He then says: “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.” So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the Pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I Gotta no broom. You say the Chinese-a guy that a he was in-a charge of-a supplies, but he no here, he hasa disappeared and I could no find-a him.”
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks, “Didn’t I leave you in charge of shovelling, why didn’t you shovel?” The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, ye did, lad. But I counno find meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin’ that lad either.”
The foreman is really angry now, and yells, “Where in hell is that Chinese guy?” Just then, the Chinese fellow jumps from behind the pile of sand and Yells…..
“SUPPLIES!!!”
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.
“How was it, Honey?” she asked when he’d finished.
“Well,” he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, “you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start.”
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a policeman signaled a car to pull over to the side.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.
“Oh, no,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one; I always do the driving.”
“The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else.” —George Bernard Shaw
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
True story
I was travelling on an overseas trip with my wife last month. She was travelling business class (work) & I was back in economy on a frequent flier ticket. So (probably because she was feeling sorry for me), she encouraged me to buy a pair of high tech “noise cancelling” headphones at the airport.
In the coffee shop before boarding, she says “so will the earphones cancel out my voice when I’m talking to you?”. “No” I replied (without thinking), “they only eliminate constant whining noises”.
It then went very quiet for a while.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.
If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“Naw, sir, they all be my younguns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“Naw, sir,” said the old man. “She be my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“Thass right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“Naw, sir, ” said the old man. “We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the newspaperman. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fights ’em.”
A lot of people can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of WA.
Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.
Paul was planning a move into his new house, which is only two blocks away from his present house. So he called a moving company for an estimate. All that Paul wanted the moving company to move was his big, old grandfather clock. But the moving company wanted to charge $350. for this, so Paul decided that he would move it himself.
As he was on his way, he saw a drunk coming his way and tried to avoid him, but, still, the drunk walked right into him.
Paul angrily shouted, “Hey! Watch where you are going, you drunk bastard!”
The drunk replied, “You watch where you are going!”
Paul said, “No! You watch where YOU are going. Can’t you see that I’m carrying this clock?!”
The drunk said, “It’s your fault! Why don’t you just wear a watch like everyone else?”