Some workmen are working at a building site opposite the home of a little four year old boy. Each lunchtime, the workmen sit down in the street to have their lunch and the little boy joins them.
One day, his mother asks him what he wants in his sandwich. He asks for a plain old tomato sandwich.The intrigued mother decides to go out and watch the little boy.
So, the little boy goes outside, sits down with the men, opens up the sandwich and says: “Jeezuz! Not another tomato sandwich!”
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.
“Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked mum. “Yeah, Daddy really liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”
“The good thing about having a death wish is that you’re much more likely to get that wish than, say, the one about a lin’gerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by your apartment with beer and pizza.” – Maurizio Mariotti
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. “All you have to do” she told her class “is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around.”
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ” why then don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”
“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says,”What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A poem by Sir Paul McCartney
I lay upon a grassy bank, My hands were all a quiver, I slowly removed her suspender belt, And her leg fell in the river.
It’s a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.
I think it’s prosthetic.
Real sign seen on clinic in a small town in New Zealand:
STD CLINIC PLEASE TAKE REAR ENTRY
Q. How do you confuse an Irishman.
A. Put him in a room with 3 shovels in the corner and ask him to take his pick.
Q. What’s the difference between a pot of yoghurt and an Australian?
A. Well, you need a bit of culture to start a yoghurt.
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look short.”
“Congratulations to Taylor Hicks he won last night. Taylor is the fifth winner of “American Idol.” He now joins those immortal past winners: what’s-her-name, that girl, that other blonde girl, and the chubby guy.” – Jay Leno
“At the end of last night’s ‘American Idol,’ Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine.” – Conan O’Brien
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, “This is a disaster. I don’t know where I’m going to find another woman of her caliber.”
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
Nicklaus replied, “The holes are numbered.”
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective! Asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know, five, six, maybe seven times…..just put me down for a five.”
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:” What are your golf clubs doing here”?
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
“The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness.
Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, “You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.” – Bill Maher