Stress Buster No. 18
â€œWithout creativity there is only repetition and routine… creativity is needed for change, improvement and new directions.â€ (Edward de Bono).
My friend had Christmas one year with his brother at a beachside town. They cooked a whole snapper for tea – and brother complained about the bother of disposing of the head, bones etc. No problem to my friend. He put the (soon to be) smelly scraps in a box, wrapped it with left-over Christmas wrapping paper, put a beautiful bow on top, then placed it ‘accidentally’ on the gutter outside the house … and waited by the window curtain….. Several cars drove slowly by, but too much traffic to stop… Then one could not resist – drove past, did a U-turn, came back past the parcel, passenger door opened and a pair of arms snapped up the gift, and off they went……..
“The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I’ve got my life.” –Jerry Seinfeld
A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is yer Dad home?” the rancher asked.
“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.
” Well said the rancher, “is yer Mom here?”
“No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
“It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother’s Day.” -Paul Clay
“In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The runners are doing fine, but the bulls can’t stop laughing.” -Conan O’Brien
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A: A cocka-poodle-doo!
Q. Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
A. Because of the Peking Duck.
Topical for Australia
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and Asks, “What’s going on?”
Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kevin Rudd.
They’re asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, Taking up a collection.”
The driver asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average?”
“About a litre.”
A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What the hell did you do that for!” the man screams.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No I don’t, you idiot… But my wife out in the car still does.”
- I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue’, and I couldn’t put it down.
- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there!
- I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
- I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
- So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue ?” I said “No, just a watch.”
- So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
- I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
- So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
- My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.” This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
- So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
- So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
“My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, ‘Adopt.'” –Caroline Rhea
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really,” he said, “have you tried mouthwash?”
“New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver.” -Dave Letterman
Our Grandson Ryan (10) is really into fitness at the moment. At home he lifts his Dads weights and at our place he rides for “miles” on our exercycle. He is determined to develop “six-pack abs”. The other day he was telling Grandma how well he was doing and, lifting his T-Shirt, he proudly showed her that he had already managed to develop a “one-pack ab”.
I had read in the local paper that a relative of Winston Churchill’s was in our local goal. I mentioned this to my 21 year old son and his girlfriend. They both frowned. “Who’s Winston Churchill?” the girlfriend asked.”Oh, he’s the elephant man,” declared my son knowledgeably.