The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 14.

Ask for help

We sometimes expect that people around us should see that we are overwhelmed and offer us help. Most people have no idea how we are feeling, but will gladly help if asked

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

“Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.” —Ogden Nash

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door.”

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, “What are you looking for in that closet?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he answered.

“Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed.”

A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer Magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”

The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… And nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 18, sir.”

The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 16 in 11minutes"

My son is 23 years old, 6′ 2”, strong and fit as a lion, thin as a stick insect, knows just about everything about everything, works very hard as a cattle man/stock and stock agent on the edge of Victoria’s high mountain country and of course is “extremely cool”.

We were having an animated discussion about someone who had annoyed him and about life in general -(and when trying to share a little of my wisdom with him asked if he understood the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Instantly he retorted with a smile as big as the world –“of course assertive is when you grab them by the throat because they will not listen to you and aggressive is when you have to punch them!”

Puns from DC

  • Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ‘Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?

The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch.’

Funny seen on a blackboard outside Lifeline in Rockhampton – “There are only three mens hair styles – The parted, The Unparted, and the Departed!!!”

A little old lady went out on a date after meeting a lovely old gentleman in their retirement village. A lovely dinner led to coffee at his place, which led to the usual. Afterwards, lying in bed, the old gentleman thought to himself “Wow, if I’d known she was a virgin I would have taken it easier with her!”

The little old lady lay there thinking “Wow, if I’d known he could get it up at his age, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”