Stress Buster No. 13.
Get a pet.
Surveys consistently show that pets can slow your heart rate, lower your blood pleasure and help us sleep better.
Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. For example, an Italian mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, “Eat your dinner, or I’ll kill you.”
A Jewish mother on the other hand would say, “Eat your dinner, or I’ll kill myself.”
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.”Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.
“We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.”OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.
“At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors, Bill Gates said it’s puzzling why more kids don’t want to become computer programmers. Gee, I don’t know, you think maybe it’s because at some point they’d actually like to have a girlfriend.” –Jay Leno
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath.
As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said his physician, “I can cure pneumonia.”
I was involved in a car crash this morning. Rear ended another car. Fella got out of the other car and he is a dwarf.
He Says, “I’m not happy’
So I said, “Well which one are you then?”
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, “We Shall Gather at the River.”
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.
“My wife is mad at me again,” says the first.
“Why?”
“I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me.”
“What’d you do?”
“I asked her for her phone number.”
I was asked to run a marathon.
I said, “Piss off”.
They said “come on, it’s for disabled and blind kids.”
Then I thought……..hell, I could win this.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Dumb Dumb, get in…
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. “Grumpy, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do for you?” Grumpy asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.” In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.” This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.” The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting…… “Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!”
My doctor
Let Me Tell You About My Doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese. While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there’s a man here who thinks He is invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, “Doctor,, my son just swallowed a roll Of film.” The doctor calmly replied, “Let’s just wait and see what develops.”
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: Don’t answer it.
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, “Doctor, I think I’m a bell.”The doctor gave him some pills and said, “Here, take these if they don’t work, give me a ring.”
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, “Go sit over there. I’ll deal with you later.”
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
But doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”