Stress Buster No. 9
Cut down on caffeine.
Caffeine stimulates the production of adrenaline which is the last thing you want when you are stressed.
A Queensland grazier visiting a NSW farmer asked him to show him around his property. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Queenslander bragged that up north, he could get into his 4-wheel drive and drive all day, and by nightfall would still not have reached the opposite boundary.
The NSW farmer simply replied, “You know, I had a car like that once.”
“I asked this one girl out and she said, ‘You got a friend?’ I said yes, she said, ‘Then go out with him'” –Dom Irrera
A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person Named “Murphy.”
Morrie the gardener tells me, The other day at the races the horse I backed came in at 20 to 1, I had put $10 on it. It would have been okay but the other horses got in at half past 12!
This little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink. He’s been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver stops next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one gulp. The poor little guy starts crying. ” Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time, ” says the truck driver. I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the poison.”
This one has had a few incarnation – but it is funny from a NZ perspective.
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: “hello – is anyone there. Can anyone hear me”.
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
“Australia will win the Rugby World Cup”
“Thank god” said Snow White “at least Dopey’s still alive”
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we are in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No.” She answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
“Yes.” She replied.
Then I said, ” I’d like to phone a friend.”
That’s the last thing I remember
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. “My, what was that?” exclaimed the woman.
“Oh, that’s just the Presidential Seal,” replied the guide.
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his furious wife and was bombarded for his actions with an angry tirade for over two hours.
Then his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which the husband replied: “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Finally, on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!!!”
- Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.
- Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
- Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
- Trouble with a milk cow is she won’t stay milked.
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
- Meanness doesn’t happen overnight.
- Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal; it just ain’t helpful.
- Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
- Two can live as cheap as one, if one doesn’t eat.
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.” “I used to feel just the same way,” said the second. “But then everything changed.
That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.” “You must tell me what you did.” “I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearie.”
Wisdom of the aged
A young ram and an old ram were standing on top of a hill overlooking a paddock full of sheep. The young ram said, “Lets run down the hill and service a few of those sheep”. The old ram answered, “Lets just amble down there and service all of them”.