The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Shayne’s Stress Buster No. 8. Limit complaining in the tea room. While it is helpful to talk things over, there comes a point when rehashing negative feelings can just make you feel worse. By all means get things off your chest, but then put it behind you and return to more uplifting topics of conversation.

Q: What goes cloak, cloak?
A: A Chinese toad.

“When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn’t the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.” —Otto von Bismarck

A bumper sticker for both parties in the US….. “RUN HILLARY RUN”

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Q. Why did the vampire buy a red pen?
A. so he could draw blood

Q. How does a stupid monster tell if he’s going to work or coming home?
A. He looks in his lunchbox to see if lunch is there

Q. What goes “Buzzz Zzzub, Buzzz Zzzub?
A. A bee on a yo-yo

Q. what do you call a cat in a barrel of pickles?
A. A sour puss

25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
Of these, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on “Where my family came from.” The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night,

“Grandma, where did I come from?”

I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in- law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, “Well, honey, the stork brought you.”

“Where did Mom come from then?”

“The stork brought her, too.”

“OK, then…. where did you come from?”

“The stork brought me too, dear.”

“Okay, thanks, Grandma.”

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann’s room and read the first sentence of her paper… “For three generations there have been no natural births in our family.”

Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people’s characters. —Margaret Halsey

Q. How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?
A. A buc-an-ear!!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of theground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

“It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming.” -Jay Leno

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

Thoughts to ponder

My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

“People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better.” –Margot Black

One of my third-graders came to school crying. “Jonathan’s upset because he couldn’t complete his math homework,” his mother explained.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Apparently,” she said, “our computer doesn’t have Roman numerals.”

What does QANTAS stand for?
Quickies Available Now in Toilet Ask Staff!!

Q. Where does a general keep his armies?
A. In his sleevies.

Together in bed

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She says: “Oh, that feels good”.
His hand moves to her breast.
She says: “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.
His hand moves to her leg.
She says: “Oh, honey, don’t stop”.
But he stops anyway. WHY???

She SHOUTS: “Why did you stop?”

He replies: “I found the remote”…..

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “it’s just arthritis.”

“My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn’t good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table.” –Nick Arnette

Things you will never hear in church

  • Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over.
  • Personally I find being here much more enjoyable than golf.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland… might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was…I lived on McCleary Street, in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world…. so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.” The first guy gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me…. what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, let’s see….I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it…. I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964, my own self.”

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar; sits down; and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky….shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”

Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. “S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”

“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ”

You’ve got male !”

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”