Stress Buster No. 5.
Learn to say "no"
When someone asks you to do something, before you agree to do it, ask yourself four questions:
- Have I got the time?
- Have I got the energy?
- Have I got the skills?
- Do I want to do it?
"Did you all watch the Oscars last night? It was so long the memorial clip actually featured people who were alive when the show began." –Jay Leno
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing. Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes…. "Taa-Daa!"
"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" –Thomas Friedman
Husband and wife had not been getting along too well and husband decided things might improve if he bought his wife a birthday present. So he proceeded to buy her a cemetery plot. Wife was rather disappointed by this gift and when her birthday came around again the following year her husband did not buy her anything. "Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?" she asked. "Why should I?" he replied "You didn’t use the one I got last year".
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. “I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura”, she replied, “it was wousy."
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man,
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits!"
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?" –Lisa Claymen
Children’s Answers about Angels
- I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5
- I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I’m sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I’m crazy. Molly, 8
- Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
- It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
- Angels don’t eat but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6
- Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
- Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara,6
- All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it. Antonia, 9
When serving my National Service in what was Rhodesia…. I was wounded by a grenade. Years later, while on a working visa in Brisbane, I applied for permanent residence.
I went for my TB check-up and was in the waiting room when the young radiographer came running in waving my Xray and exclaimed: "your back is full of shrapnel."
Po-faced I replied… "Gosh…. I had no idea!"
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Boy it’s hot in here". The other turns around and says "Oh my God, a talking muffin!"
I was over in Adelaide one weekend and visited a large shopping centre. At lunchtime, I decided to purchase a sandwich. I fronted a sandwich shop in the food hall and asked the young guy (I think he was blonde) behind the counter for a salami sandwich. I said, "Do you have hot salami?"
He replied, "No. Only cold salami, but I can heat some up in the microwave for you."
"This week marks the beginning of the Chinese year of the pig. So, guys, this is our year!" –Jay Leno
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I’ll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
At Duke University , there were four students taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tyre. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy…. then they turned the page.
On the second page was written….
For 95 points: Which tyre?________
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain……"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short."