The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 4.

Don’t stay up late.
Not enough sleep increases the effect of stress on your body. We need sleep for mental and physical renewal. Try these ideas for better sleep:

  1. Invest in a good mattress.
  2. Cut out the caffeine 6 hours before bed time.
  3. Exercise so that you are physically tired.

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see “Closed for the Winter.”

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”

“Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. ” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks. “No!” exclaims the blonde.

“I just received horrible news from my sister. Her mother died, too!”

My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s 10th-year reunion was taking place.

While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, “Don’t mind us. We just wanted to see how we’d look in another 10 years.”

Idiots in the Neighbourhood

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local Council office to request the removal of the Koala Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many koalas are being hit by cars down here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore”

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that rabbit-in-the-headlights stare.

John and Mary had been going steady for quite a while and to Mary’s delight John finally popped the question. There was the usual excitement of organising everything and when it came to the honeymoon they decided “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to Africa and go on safari.”

Well there was so much to do, tickets, passports, injections and of course clothes. They chose and packed and unpacked, changed their minds and it took weeks and weeks to finally get things right. Then at the last minute mother in law decided she wanted to go along too. What had taken John and Mary months to organise, mother in law got done in a week and when they boarded the plane to leave, there was mother in law sitting in the seat on the other side of the plane.

Well they got to darkest Africa and hired porters to take them into the jungle. The first night the porters set up camp for John and Mary in a big clearing and a little way away in a smaller clearing they set up a tent for mother in law.

Next morning when John and Mary finally struggled out of bed they thought they had better go and see how mother in law was. When they arrived at the small clearing there was a mighty altercation in progress. A huge lion was standing in front of mother in law emitting blood curdling roars and there was mother in law standing up to the lion shaking her fist in his face. The roaring and fist shaking went on and on.

John took Mary’s hand and said “Come on, he got himself into that mess, let him get himself out of it!”

True story

My story relates to a fellow whom I’d only ever seen playing soccer and therefore only in his soccer uniform. On seeing him in a crowded pub one night and having him call ‘hi’ to me I immediately responded with “Oh, hi Roger, I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on” – there really are times when you wish you hadn’t…!

“It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he’d already been dead for a year.” – Tom Lehrer

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider’s web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man’s attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, “Jim………”

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, “Paddy.”

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, “Scottish.”

The second man replied, “Irish.”

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again. Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, “Glasgow.”

Paddy whispered back, “Dublin.”

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

“Cancer”, said Jim.

“…Sagittarius,” replied Paddy.

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” —Steven Wright

Funny Signs

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Recently I bought a new Subaru Forrester but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.

“Nelson,” the salesman called to the radio. The radio then responded “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” he called back and immediately the radio burst into song “On the Road Again”.

Then the salesman calls “Ray Charles,” and in an instant “Georgia on My Mind” immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song. I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon. Then I would say “Beatles,” and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80’s.

It was fun and even my wife even got into it too. “Billy Joel” and up came ‘The Piano Man” “Rolling Stones” and up came “Jumpin Jack Flash” plus many other great Stone’s hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all. A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them. I immediately yelled in anger, “Arse Holes!” Guess what !! Immediately up came the Waltzing Matilda through my speakers!! I just LOVE this new car!

A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years.”

The best leaders are also good followers. The ability to follow places one in the perfect position to do some timely back- stabbing.

Signs You’re the Reincarnation of Someone Famous

  1. During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor’s pets.
  2. When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
  3. Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she’s beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
  4. While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
  5. Out-of-luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
  6. You’re found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.