St. Peter was at the pearly gates, making his usual list of names of people waiting to get into heaven. The first man walked up and Peter asked, “Who are you?”
“It’s me, Albert Jones,” the voice replied. St. Peter took his name and let him in.
St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, “And who are you?”
“It’s me, Charlie Anderson.” St. Peter took his name and let him in.
Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, “Who are you?”
“It is I, Vera Chapman,” answered the third.
“Oh, great,” muttered St. Peter. “Another English teacher.”
- Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
- At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
- One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
glass of beer-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
- You never know where to look when eating a banana.
- Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through
and then raced against the flush.
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
- Old ladies can eat more than you think.
- You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
- There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your
hand or head stuck in something.
- No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
- People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.
- You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
- Bricks are horrible to carry.
It was a beautiful Texas Saturday morning as Jake–an avid hunter–woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: “What are you up to?”
Alice smiles: “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot”.
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant–much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse in Intensive Care. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. But she is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, ” Picabo, ICU.â€
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” says the drunk.
“McDonald’s said they are going to start pre-cooking their burgers to put the fast back in fast food. What about putting the food back in fast food?” –Jay Leno
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked,
“Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?” The
coroner said, “No.”
The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”, and again the coroner said, “No.”
Then the attorney asked, “Did you check for breathing?”, and again the coroner said, “No.”
“So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”
After a woman gave birth to her baby, her Dr. stood solemnly at her bedside.
“I have something I must tell you about your baby”.
“What’s wrong”, the alarmed mother asked?
“Your baby is a hermaphrodite”
“It means your baby has both male and female parts.”
“Oh my God” The woman exclaimed. “You mean it has a p.e.n.i.s and a brain”?
“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.” –Robert Orben
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said,
“Press bell for night watchman.”
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way to the door.
“Well,” he huffed, “what do you want?”
“So, like, why can’t you ring the bell yourself?”
Movie Rating System Explained:
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Sydney.”
And they say blondes are dumb.
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
- A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, It’s a dead giveaway!)
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall..
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.