One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?”
“Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back.”
A marine biologist was telling his friends about some of his most recent research findings. “Some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles,” he said.
“What the heck would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked his sarcastic friend.
“I can’t be sure,” he expert said, “but it sounds something like ‘Can you hear me now?'”
Those two guys who are out, in Tasmania, guess they will be “miner” celebrities now!
A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $12,000.
The customer says, “No, not quite what I need.”
Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off
its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.
The customer says, “No, I don’t need anything that fancy.”
The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester ‘over and under’ mass production model. Only $299.95.
The customer says, “That will do nicely. After all, it’s an informal wedding.”
“Today President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, but then his staff pulled him aside and told him, ‘It’s just spring time.'” — Jay Leno
Saw a bumper sticker last week : “Proud and Blonde of it”
Some bits of advice
- I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs
built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
- Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, “Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make.”
- To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
- My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, “yes, I can put you right.”
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his
surgeon, and yells, “You swine, you gave me a woman’s ears.”
“Well, an ear is an ear, what’s wrong? Can’t you hear?.”
“You’re wrong, I hear everything, but I don’t understand a damned thing!”
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks “Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers … ” I don’t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk”
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
The Flight to Egypt, was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, but who is the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius-the-pilot”.
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives, the man says, “I’ll have your biggest, thickest porterhouse steak.”
The waiter replies, “Monsieur, what about ze mad cow?”
The man replies, “Oh, she’ll have a salad.”
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.” — Mark Twain
Time for Q & A
Q. What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A. A manila folder.
Q: What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?