The woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at her and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin–it’s a mistake.”
“President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery.” –Jay Leno
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00
Fried Explorer: $ 15.00
Baked Politician: $ 100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politician?”
The waiter replied, Have you ever tried to clean one ?
The other day, I had to make a call to the telephone company. Something was wrong with my bill. I dialed the number listed, and was astonished. I got the strangest recording. It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”
- Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells Bowled.
- A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
- A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
- A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
- An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
- A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found hisname missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
- There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slepton an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
“I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.” –Spanky
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: “Well, what have you to say in your defense?”
Boy: “Only that I’m sorry your honor.”
Judge: “Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately.”
Boy: “But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!”
Judge: “Consider yourself lucky… It could have been life boy.”
“I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.” —Laura Kightlinger
Mrs. Jones called the doctor’s office and was met with this response by the secretary. “This is Dr. Whitman’s office. What would you like to talk about?”
Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, “I want to order a hamburger with fries. For goodness sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn’t feel sick? I’m very sick. I need to see the doctor.”
“Fine,” replied the secretary, “I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday.”
“Great,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’ll have my mortician drop me off then!”
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
“Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?”
“Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?”
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $250’.”
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food own my throat? Huh?”
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “I guess it’s that time of the month.”