A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should have been here at 8:30!” He replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn’t work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry. —Planojo
“In politics stupididty is not a handicap.” —Napoleon
In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger.”
“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the matronly customer. “I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”
Kiwi farm hand radios back to the farm manager…….
“Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig’s OK, but he’s stuck in the bull-bars and is wriggling and squealing so much I can’t get him out.” The manager says: “Ok, there’s a .303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you’ll be able to remove him.”
Five minutes later, the farm hand calls back. “I did what you said boss. Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can’t go on.” “Now what’s the problem?” raged the manager.
“Well boss, it’s his motor-bike.The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.”
An engineer joke
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999.
Mrs Smith and Mr Brown are both widows in a nursing home. One day Mr Brown was looking rather down and so Mrs Smith asked him what the problem was. “Well when my wife was alive we’d go to the park and we’d sit on a seat and she’d hold my doodle.”
“Mr Brown we’ve been friends long enough I guess, so if you want me to do that for you, I don’t mind.” said Mrs Smith, feeling all sympathetic. So, every week they would meet and just sit in the park while Mrs Smith held Mr Brown’s doodle. All was going well until Mr Brown stopped meeting Mrs Smith.
This upset Mrs Smith and when she finally got up enough courage to ask Mr Brown what the problem was, he said that there was another woman. Mrs Smith was quite hurt and asked, “What has she got that I don’t have?”
He replied… “Parkinsons”!!!!!!!!!
Engineers Patrick and Seamus ( Dublin mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Patrick “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “5 metres,” and walked away.
Seamus shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
The wife says to her husband, “Now that I am no longer so attractive I suppose you’ll probably go into town and find someone who looks better than me?” Her husband replies, “No I won’t, my parents will not allow it.” “Your parents?” she enquires. “Yes, Mother Nature and Father Time!”
The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me of his job. His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different specie of birds.
First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a “Phen.”
Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a “Phoose.”
Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck. He called it… “Charlie.”
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.
Walking over to the village idiot, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked “Say, son, how deep is this pond?”
“Oh, only a few inches,” replied the idiot.
After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat and, within a few seconds, was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond he finally reached his hat, and then struggled back to edge.
Climbing out, he turned to the village idiot and screamed, “Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!” “Well,” shrugged the idiot, “the water only comes half way up that duck over there.”
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. “Does anyone know,” I asked a few guys, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?”
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. “That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?”
At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A voice from near the back pierces the silence; “Well, stop f …. doing it then.”