You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him Doctor.” –Abe Lemons
“I wrote a novel this year called, ‘Shop Girl,’ and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, ‘If you think you’re going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending, that’s going to cost you.'” – Steve Martin
A five-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. “Mom”, he asked, “are these my brains?” “Not yet,” she replied.
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn’t so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest, roaring and swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help, Help!”
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “Shut the hell up or we’ll BOTH lose our jobs!”
“New York is a great town, though. If you’re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.” –Dave Letterman
Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism. At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”
The other replied, “Well, he ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in 3 days.”
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone.
So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, “You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.”
“Impossible,” said the embarrassed man, “You really know what I’m thinking?”
“Yes,” the lady replied, “I know that you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it.”
The Scoutmaster is teaching his troop about survival, and asks, “What are the three most important things you should bring in case you get lost in the desert?”
Several hands went up and many important things were suggested like food, matches, etc. Then a tenderfoot in back eagerly raised his hand.
The Scoutmaster asked, “Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?”
Timmy replies, “A compass, a canteen, and a deck of cards.”
Somewhat surprised, the Scoutmaster says, “I can see the sense of a compass and a canteen… but why a deck of cards?”
“Well, Sir, in order to get found. Just as soon as you start playing Solitaire someone’s bound to come up behind you and say, ‘Put the black nine on top of that red ten.'”
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing? Your privates are out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, tell me, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well…last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck…… This is your grandma’s idea………………”
A mission statement is defined as “a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.” All good companies have one.
If it weren’t for the fact that the TV and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said, “I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk.”
“OK, then,” said the man, “tell him I’m playing again in a week.”
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive. He was so please with himself that he held his follow trough position for several moments. Unwinding, he said to the caddy, “Did you see where it went?”
The caddy said, “I sure did.”
“OK, then, where is it?”
The caddy replied, “I don’t remember.”
I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an ea rring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?”
I had to explain to her that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend’s house for a play date when the little girl asks “Mommy,” how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replies sweetly. “It’s not polite.”
“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, a bit less sweetly. “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That’s enough questions, young lady, honestly!” mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it. ”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” Now mom’s getting mad. She says, “Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?” Because you got a ” F ” in sex…
(….Obviously an American joke, I don’t think I’ll live to see the day that Kiwi women would allow their weight to go on their driving licenses…)