The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing?, I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing ?”
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, ” and where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

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Mary: “My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

“Jill: “Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?”

Mary: “I said, ‘If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to really annoy two?'”

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Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don’t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “an old rag”.
6. Although their clothes are always “just an old rag”, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you.

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“Life is like a toilet roll – the closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes!

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“Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant contributor to global warming. To be fair,you have to blame us, the non-smokers. We’re the ones that made them go outside, right?” –Jay Leno

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device… a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent rat,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:”I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”

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“I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, ‘We’re going to be taking off in a few… Whoa, here we go!'”–Unknown

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Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that …, Ralph was too tired..”

God is good.

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I have been receiving the funnies since working here(November 2005) and have been circulating them to a slowly increasing list of people, however I am now leaving this company. Guess what, the first thing that was said was “who is going to send us the funnies now?”, they quickly followed up with “Sorry to see you go” – but it was too late, I could now see my importance to the team! and what a good thing to be important in – shame about the work they had been paying me for!

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“The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.” –Bill Lawrence

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Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, “You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.

“Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord,insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch the mat work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd,they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes backup, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces backup. This time, she comes back pretty messed up — she’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,”What happened? Was the cord too long?”

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord wasfine…it was the crowd!….What the H E L L is a piñata?!”

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“He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”–Mark Twain

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After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

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We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

“Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?” she asked.

“It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?'”

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Zen Sarcasm

1. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
2. Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet
4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
9. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.