One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : No, because you make me sick.
“I think I look good for forty-two. However, my skin is starting to lose its elasticity. I fell asleep on a corduroy bedspread. It took six hours for the lines to come out of my face.” –Cathy Ladman
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?” The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?” The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”
Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice:
“You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs,” he said. “Never, ever, whistle while you pack!”
Q. Where do ants go for holidays?
A. Fer ants.
Q. What do you call a small musician who lives in the city?
A. A metronome
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”
“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“NO, no. I just can’t.”
“Pleeeeease?…”
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: “They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!”
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?!?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food.”
A blonde’s year in review
- January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
- February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..”duh”…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
- March – Got excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”
- April – Trapped on escalator for hours….. power went out!!!
- May – Tried to make Milo…..8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
- June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
- July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
- August – Got locked out of car in rain storm…..car swamped, because top was down.
- September – The capital of Sydney is “S”…..isn’t it???
- October – Hate M &M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
- November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
- December – Couldn’t call 911…..”duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!!!
Phew!! What a year!!
“A man is known by the company he avoids.” — Unknown
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
And this weeks funniest website award goes to…
www.shaveeverywhere.com
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Great for a laugh
Created by Phillips, absolutely brilliant!