Funny but true
My friend has an ultralight aircraft. These can and sometimes do have motor or structural failures while in flight and while normally a safe forced landing can be made, many operators opt for a spring loaded parachute. This canister attaches to the strut and in the event of an unrecoverable flight problem can be deployed to make a vertical controlled descent to terra firma.
He was chatting with an accociate and finally after explaining what it did the discussion came around to the not insignicicant cost. “Thats an awfull lot of money.” my friend was informed.
“Yeah mate, about the same as the cost of a funeral.” he was told.
A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”
The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the post death examination, then they’ll see that I was right.”
A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, “Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t kid me, Mom, I KNOW they’re my feet,”
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him.
“My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he said. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
“Beertits,” he said.
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. —Stephen Wright
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”
A story from many years ago that might be usable. I was working the evening shift in the local library when a little cutie, probably not more that three years old, came up to the counter and said she was going to the toilet and could I undo the buttons on her overalls. Well Librarians can turn their hand to anything so I undid the buttons and off she went.
However, I was somewhat startled a few minutes later when a pile of clothes appeared on the counter in front of me. There was the little tot, absolutely starkers, standing there in the middle of the library. She asked me to dress her, so I put all the clothes back on her.
About half an hour later she came up to the counter with her mother, and told her Mum that she had been to the toilet. Her mother looked at me and smiled, she raised her eyebrows and said ‘All of them?’ Mum knew exactly what the child had done.
- The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
- Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
- If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all
- Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
- How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
- Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
- Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
- I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap
- After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased’s family: “To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million.”
The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million.”
The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you are wrong. Hi Dan!”
This is not funny, it is a first hand report of how some people are doing it tough in the drought areas from Christine.
Horsham & 34 other Wimmera towns are about to go on severest water restrictions – level 4 which means no watering outside the house – devastating for those who treasure their gardens. Fortunately we live outside the City boundary & we catch all our own drinking water & all the tanks are now equipped with overflows underground that take the excess back to our farm dam.
No dam-fill from the channel system this year so livestock water will be as valuable as liquid gold!! Every drip of spare rainwater is being saved on our farm – it’s been a big effort digging the trenches for the stormwater piping as the ground is rock hard with the present drought conditions!! However, the blisters have healed & I feel we have a fairly good chance to get through this season.
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”
“Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.” —Ambrose Bierce
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blows into the machine, he looks at the result as says, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She turned red, and replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”
I have true story that happened to my daughter a couple of months ago. As a favour she took her tiny baby to the local Kindy to show the children a baby being bathed and bre-astfed. Whilst feeding her baby, one little boy piped up and said innocently, “When he’s finished, can I have a turn.”
I went into the local petrol station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.The attendent farted and gave me a receipt.
Two elderly ladies were coming to the end of their train ride. “Thank goodness that’s over” said one “Why?” enquired the other “Because my bottom has gone to sleep” replied the first “Yes, I know” said the other “How could you possibly know?” enquired the first “Well, it kept snoring” said the other