Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”
“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is only 140.”
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
- “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
- “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
- “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
- “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
- “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
- “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
- “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
- “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
- “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails — is that correct?”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”
“Well,” he said, “they must be little lobster tails.”
“No,” she replied, “it’s the really big lobster.”
“Big red lobster tails, $5 each?” he said, amazed. “They must be old lobster tails!”
“No, they’re definitely today’s.”
“Today’s big red lobster tails — $5 each?” he repeated, astounded.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, “Once upon a time there was a really big, red lobster…”
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she will see him later.
The wife glares at the husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she is my mistress.””Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife, ” I have had enough, I want a divorce.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, ” but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision must be yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous female on his arm. “Who is that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
How to clean your house….
- Open a new file in your PC
- Name it “Housework.”
- Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
- Empty the RECYCLE BIN
- Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want To delete Housework permanently?”
- Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press mouse button firmly……
- Feel better? Works for me!
Committees are a group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the unneccessary. —Carl c. Byers
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting Married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well then, is she good in bed?” “I don’t know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive!”
Two blondes landed at the airport and caught a cab.
“Where are you off to,” asked the cabbie.
“San Josie,” one replied.The cabbie corrected her pronunciation telling her that the “J” made an “H” sound.
As time went by he asked how long they would be vacationing.
The one blonde replied, “For all of Hune and Huly.”
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh I don’t care,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”