Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks’ performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.
"I love it!" she replied. "I’m getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life–shopping and criticizing people."
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
- Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
- Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
- Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
- What is the speed of darkness?
- You send someone ‘Styrofoam’, how do you pack it?
- Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end." –Jerry Seinfeld
See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common …..
Assess Banana Dresser Grammar Potato Revive Uneven Voodoo
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
"It’s pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the same for me, I’d go home and jump up in bed with my favorite book. Well, actually it was a magazine." —Tom Arnold
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked the blonde what she was doing and she replied,"’m hanging myself. "Your supposed to put the noose around your neck not your waist." said the onlooker."I already tried that," replied the blonde "but I couldn’t breathe"
A man went to his mate’s fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I’m a snail," the man replied."What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?"
"That’s not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that’s Michelle".
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he answered.
"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."
A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked," Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed: "I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription."
The Miss America pageant is considering adding an academic competition, where contestants have to answer multiple choice questions about history.
Which means it may actually be harder to become Miss America than it is to become the president of the United States. – Jay Leno
Q. What is the difference between a Baker and a Knight.
A. One darts into the foe the other……… makes bread.
I play bridge regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It’s Elsie’s ninety-fifth birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one of you is Elsie?"