Time for a Little Johnny
ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”
ON MATH
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father? “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,'” I said “6”, replies Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad. “Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2?'” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father. “That’s what I said!”
ON ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.” Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”
ON GRAMMAR
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, ‘Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”
ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.” She said, “Excellent, Michael!” Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny. “Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'”
ON GETTING OLDER
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.” Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?” Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”
“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” -Oscar Wilde
Grandma and Grandpa were staying the night at the kids house. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad;.. they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.” Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”
God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that was made to the cat. “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!” said the mice. “If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” “Done,” said God All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. She was lounging on her fluffy pillow. “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” “Oh, it is wonderful,” said the cat. “I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and the Meals on Wheels was a nice touch.”
What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
Lost.
I have CDO.
It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused”
Things I’ve learned
- I’ve learned that you cannot make someone else love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
- I’ve learned that the day will happen whether you get up or not.
- I’ve learned that if it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the effort, then it probably isn’t.
- I’ve learned that if I can’t be a good example, then I’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
- I’ve learned that ambivalence may or may not be my problem.
- I’ve learned that adults are just kids who owe money.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”
“We believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”
“You’re both wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.”
Quotes from Winston Churchill
- If you are going through hell, keep going.
- You can count on the Americans to do the right thing, once they’ve exhausted every other possible course of action
- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something.
- Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
- Don’t worry about avoiding temptation….as you grow older, it will avoid you.
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
“You must answer the telephone,” he told her irritably.
“All right,” she replied, “but it seems so silly. It’s always for you.”
I guess you are aware of the cyclone that destroyed the banana crop in North Queensland a few months ago. Bananas are still priced at around $13 – $15 per kilo in Brisbane and I heard on the radio the other day that the latest sign to be seen on shop doors is :
“NO BANANAS KEPT ON PREMISES”
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.
“Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.” “Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2006 Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”
Ole says……..”How da foock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Tech Support
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.