“You’ll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won’t press charges.” –Raul Julia as Gomez Addams in “Addams Family Values” to Uncle Fester.
A woman’s husband dies. He had left $50,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that “there is absolutely nothing left from the $50,000.”
The friend asks, “How can that be?”
The widow says, “Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church — that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks — you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone.”
The friend says, “$42,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”
The widow says, “Four and a half carats.”
Classic Jewish Comedy
- There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
- A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
- I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
- What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
- Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
- A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor as “That’s what puzzles me!”
- Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went fishing.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C H Z.’
“Can you read this?” The optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”
“Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence.” –Bill Maher
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Woolworths in a pram. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, “And here’s something for you, Diploma.” or “This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma.” and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, “Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?”
The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter to University and this is what she came home with!”
True newspaper report from Queensland.
Alleged armed robbery on the nose for cops
Something stinks about this armed robbery. But Innisfail police were taking no chances when they grabbed bullet-proof vests and set up road blocks in South Johnstone yesterday after an alarmed motorist rang in.
The driver told police a uniformed guard dragged another, with arms outstretched, from an Armaguard van stopped on Boogan Road. Fearing a heist, four police cars raced out with kitted-out officers.
The Armaguard van was pulled over on the Bruce Highway where red-faced guards told officers one fellow had broken wind in the back. “There’s no ventilation and he stunk,” one of the guards was quoted as saying. Relieved policemen – tipped off minutes earlier that everything was probably okay – could only laugh. “They said the windows didn’t wind down so on (guard) got out and dragged the guy with him,” an officer said.
Cairns Post Saturday 8 July 2006
“President Bush hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush urged the Indian prime minister to clean his plate because there were people starving in his country.” —Conan O’Brien
This year’s 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA “Dark and Stormy Night Contest” (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel):
10. “As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.”
9. “Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.”
8. “With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.”
7. “Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: “Andre, creep… Andre, creep… Andre, creep.”
6. “Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley s’ex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.”
5. “Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.”
4. “Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.”
3. “Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.”
2. “Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.” AND THE WINNER IS…
1. “The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, ‘You lied!”