While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
“Have you ever broken a bone?” he asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied.
“Did it hurt?”
“Really? Which bone did you break?”
“My sister’s arm.”
A three year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following:
- The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use.
- The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards.
- The Ukranians use their keyboards for spare parts for their TV’s.
- The Germans are most likely to pound on their keyboards.
- The French are most likely to give their keyboards to the Germans without a struggle.
Did you hear about the devil-worshipper who was also dyslexic? He sold his soul to Santa!
“I took a course in speed reading and was able to read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.” —Woody Allen
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who Owns the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do…Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?” The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
‘Nothing, but you left your injun runnin”
“If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it’s okay. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: ‘Happy,’ ‘Baby Doll,’ ‘Junior.’ I defy anyone to drop a living thing called ‘Happy’ into rapidly boiling water.” —George Carlin
“My kids just don’t understand my logic. They fail to see why they have to go to bed when I’m tired.” —Was this Erma Bombeck?
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.
She asked, “What are their names?”
The blonde replied, “That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex.”
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Helllooo?” said the blonde. “They’re watch dogs…”
Towards the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”
“President Clinton flew back from Rome with President Bush on Air Force One. President Bush showed Clinton some of the changes they’d made in the plane since Clinton last flew in it. In fact, when they got back to the sleeping quarters, Clinton looked at the ceiling and said, “Hey, where are the mirrors?” —Jay Leno
A blonde goes over to her friends’ house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
“Why are you wearing a ‘Thank God it’s Friday’ tee- shirt on Monday?”
“Oh no!” the blonde says, “I thought it meant: ‘Tits Go In Front’!”
Real news report from NZ
City stops for the steak and onion special
FRIDAY , 07 JULY 2006
A train driver brought Wanganui to a standstill when he could not get enough pies for lunch.
State Highway 3 traffic was backed up in both directions at a crossing on Victoria Ave and London St when the driver stopped the single engine in the middle of town to get his daily fix.
The driver had a habit of stopping at The Big Bite takeaway shop in London St while taking the engine across town, but when he had to wait, so did Wanganui.
After picking up six pies on Monday, the driver told staff he would be back for more the next day. However, when he arrived there were not enough of his favourites – steak or steak and onion – ready to go. “He had to wait for a while while we warmed them up in the oven, because he wanted 10,” staff member Janine Hart said. “That was what the holdup was.”
The train had activated the barrier arms on the crossing and traffic was left waiting for about 20 minutes. One woman had to pay twice the normal taxi fare due to the traffic jam. Residents and motorists could see the funny side of the incident, but were not impressed with the train driver’s attitude.
Toll NZ spokeswoman Sue Foley said the company was investigating the incident.
She was unable to say if the train driver had been stood down, but Toll would certainly be speaking to him.
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot