On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word ‘marriage.’"’
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling."
An elderly gentleman… Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of modern hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’ The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
"Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished." —Unknown
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother’s Day." –Paul Clay
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Betty that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Betty agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Betty’s shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don’t."
"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved."
–Russell Lynes
Anyone who’s ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
Q. What do you call 2 men in black suits and ties cycling around the neighbourhood trying to sell whiteware furniture and computer products ??
A. Harvey Mormons.
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.
"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.
"Oh, that’s easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often over-thinned his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, until the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, over-thinning it with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint off the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the over-thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool.
He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: ‘Oh, God, forgive me; what must I do?’ And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
‘Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!’
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Kevin and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "when you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s called a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!”
A little town had three congregations each with their own priest, reverend and rabbi respectively. The three clerics were all busy with their work and needed to visit outlying areas but because it was only a small area, none could afford a car. They got together and decided to pool their resources and buy a car that they would share. The big day arrived and the car was delivered.
So the priest got out his holy water and sprinkled it over the car inside and out and baptised the car.
Next the reverend said some prayers and christened the car.
Finally it was the rabbi’s turn – he cut 10 centimetres off the tailpipe.