My mother always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist…
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator." –Bill Lawrence
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn’t Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…"
Morris was now fuming. "What’s the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
A True Story from the Jacksonville , Florida, Police Department
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and rundown the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150"
and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says…real slowly.
. "So……………ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"
A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he replies.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
Some wife one-liners
- My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
- What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner - I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
- I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.
An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’